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Burr itz cold.

rlly cld

[Friend explaining what stock options are]

Friend: Once the share “vests”, yes, you can immediately buy and sell.

Friend: Or you could just buy and hold.

Me: What about when it “sweater vests”?


Me: You better “hold” onto that fashionable young share.


Friend Who Works At Google: Nate Silver gave a talk at the Goog today.

Me: Cool, how many people were there?

FWWAG: Uhhhh, I dunno, a lot.

Me: …was it…….538?

FWWAG: Chance of my punching you in the face in the near future: 90.9%.

Me: :-(

Shingle Ladies (Put Some Cream On It)

All the shingle ladies (all the shingle ladies)

All the shingle ladies (all the shingle ladies)

All the shingle ladies (all the shingle ladies)

All the shingle ladies (now put your hands up)

Ow ow ow, ow ow owww, ow, ow, owow

Wow ow ow, ow ow owww

Getting legitimately mad at yourself for forgetting your reusable bags AND your Whole Foods Bread Card.

Friend: have you heard of/seen the show called “Luther” on BBC?

Me: no

Me: does it come on after “Martin” reruns?

Friend: fuck youuuu

Me: come on man, that’s Cee Lo Green. I know you’re white, but they don’t even look remotely the same.

Celiac Disease Pun-off 2/1/12

Why are Celiacs terrible teammates? They always go against the grain.

Why did the guy with hemorrhoids hang out at the Celiacs’ bar? 'Cause their stools were softer.

Why did the Celiacs stop listening to The Black Eyed Peas? They found out the black guy’s name isn’t Villi.am.

Who is every Celiac’s least favorite SNL cast member? Chris Barley.

What did the Celiac yell on Wheel of Fortune? "I’d like to buy a bowel!"

Why did the homeless Celiac freak out when she went to the free clinic? The Asian doctor told her she was full of “rice”. (I later found out rice is actually gluten-free) 

The Drs


Me: Any other medical conditions?

Patient: I’ve been having seizures since 9/11.

The Drs


Family Doc: Tylenol covers pain like a cat covers doo-doo!

The Drs


[end of a surgery]

OB/Gyn: (in not subtle attempt to show off new iPhone) Hey, let me take a picture of you in the OR. You can show it to your parents at home!

Me: Uh, okay.


Me: … Shouldn’t we not have the patient in the frame? (Patient is on the operating table in the mid-background in the lithotomy position. Patient’s naughty bits are completely exposed and visible.)

OB/Gyn: *looks* Hahahahaha. *does not retake picture, makes me show him how to use MMS on his phone so he can send me the picture*


[conversation about children’s television]

Pediatrician: Y’all heard of that show “Yo Gabba Gabba!”?

Me: Yeah.

Pediatrician: My daughter loves that show! Personally, I find it mildly disturbing that one of the main characters of a kids TV show is a giant studded condom.

Everyone in room: …

Honda Puns

Me: As a Fit young man, you must do your Civic duty.

Friend: I will not be bound by such an Accord.

Me: But it would be an Odyssey that will bring you much personal Insight.

Friend: This conversation is as depressing as a Pilot headed straight for the Ridgeline.

Me: I feel out of my Element when I have to think of puns for vehicle names made up only of letters.

Me: A group of migrating ducks were chatting in a bar. “We get 50% better efficiency with our U-formation,” says one duck. “Whatever man,” says another, “wait till you C R V.”

Friend 2: All these jokes are merely a Prelude to a fart. *faaaaarrrttttt*

Zynga Poker quotes

"does anyone on this table want to fok right now?"

When two nerds quote the same Star Wars line at the same time.

Bar Bar Jinks

Business Name Brainstorming

Pan-Asian restaurant: Sushi Sioux and the Banh Mis

mr hudson - there will be tears

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